Emily Timbol

Fiction Author. Good at making stuff up.

The Dysfunctional Family That is The Church

Oct
13

Last Thursday my husband Ryan and I attended a panel discussion entitled, “Faith Perspectives That Embrace LGBT Youth and Families.” It was put on by the university we both graduated from, and was centered on understanding the implications of faith communities on LGBT youth and family, society, and the church itself.

The small theater the event was being held in was about 1/2 full, mostly with students and a few white haired older folks. We sat next to Susan, the pastor of the church we’ve been visiting for the past few weeks. On the stage sat four speakers; Jane Clementi, the mother of Tyler Clementi and co-founder of the Tyler Clementi Foundation, Dr. Carolyn Stone, Ed. D, professor and counselor educator who serves as chair of the American School Counselor Association’s Ethics Committee, Rev. MacArthur Flournoy, a preacher who serves as the director of Faith Partnerships and Mobilization for the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and Dr. David Gushee, a clergy member and Professor of Christian Ethics and Director of the Center for Theology at Mercer University.

Each person on the panel spoke about their own story and how their background led them to where they were today; most as believers who fully embrace the Bible as the Word of God, but who reject the current church’s teachings on homosexuality.

At one point during the panel, when Rev. MacArthur was speaking – in the booming, engaging voice one would expect of a preacher – I leaned over to Ryan. With a big smile on my face, I whispered, “this feels like church.”

It was a weird thing to say, as, by the end of the night, there was at least one thing every speaker and audience member agreed on; it was the church we were fighting against. Even though most of the “we” were also church members themselves. We were all believers. People who not only worshiped the same God and read the same Bible, but wanted the very same thing as the people we were working against.

The dichotomy was almost overwhelming. Here we were, Christians, talking about other Christians and how we needed to save LGBT youth from them (and their incorrect and dangerous teachings.) It was like being at an intervention familyfor a family member who is abusing their children; the immediate need is to save and protect the kids, but you don’t necessarily want to do that in a way that harms the parent. Everyone involved – abuser and victim- are family.

As someone who was  ridiculously blessed with loving parents, it’s taken me a long time to process what it’s like to live in this dysfunctional relationship with my Christian family – I’m honestly still processing it.

I have to deal with this painful dichotomy every time I randomly peruse the Facebook pages of friends from the church I grew up in. There I see jokes made at LGBT people’s expense, attacks on poor people, defenses of violence, and of course, praises to God. This is just par for the course on social media – you’d think I’d be used to it by now. But I’m not. Every time I see a Christian use the Bible to make a remark filled with ignorance or hate, there’s a part of me that wants to just throw my hands up and say, “I quit. I want no more part of this family.”

There’s a certain kind of pain and frustration that can only come from knowing that the people who hurt you the most, are supposed to be the ones that protect and love you.

After the panel discussion ended, we walked back to our car. I was stewing in a mixture of incongruous emotions; anger, hope, frustration, disappointment, and as usual, hunger.  It wasn’t until we reached the parking garage that I realized something.

No matter how dysfunctional the church family gets, we have a father and mother (God) who loves us. All of us. God is not the one carrying out the abuse or causing the dysfunction. God is the one who is bringing truth to light, and opening enough people’s hearts and minds, that events like the one we attended could even take place.

I can’t throw my hands up in the air and say, “I quit”, because I have a father who has always been there for me. My siblings might often be terrible (what siblings aren’t?) but my mother God is in control.

Towards the end of the panel, Dr. Gushee opened a Bible that was sitting on his lap and said, “The thing about holding this up and saying, ‘the Bible says’ is that in certain places, people actually believe you.” For years, I’ve been secretly wincing every time someone utters that phrase, “The Bible says” because what follows has almost always been void of the Gospel. Last night though, I was reminded of the power that comes when the person holding that Bible is using it not as a weapon, but as a welcome.

It’s OK for me to separate myself from the dysfunctional parts of my church family that have caused me and my LGBT friends pain. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for dysfunctional relationships is draw boundaries. The great news though is that the church family has many members. Much to my joy and relief, I’ve found that there are many in the church family who want to embrace LGBT youth and families. Fully. Which means that even though my faith family is dysfunctional, there are people within it who I can turn to for strength, support, and guidance.

When it comes down to it, no family is perfect. I’m just grateful that the family I am a part of has members who are willing to point out the dysfunction within.

 

The “Cool Christian Girl” in Proverbs 31

Oct
07

A hallmark of an excellent book or movie is if weeks later I’m still thinking about it. Gone Girl, author Gillian Flynn’s much-discussed third novel, was written in 2012 – yet I’m STILL captivated by it. Especially more so now that I’ve seen David Fincher’s stunning film adaptation (that Flynn wrote the screenplay for.)

gone-girl-01_612x380It wasn’t just the compelling characters she created that enthralled me. Like many women (and men) I was fascinated by her breakdown of gender tropes, among them the “cool girl” stereotype. Here’s an excerpt of her explanation of “the cool girl” from the novel (it has some coarse/graphic language):

 “Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”

There is so much that has already been said about the gender politics Flynn lays out above (and throughout her novel.) But as I was perusing Facebook the other day I saw an acquaintance of mine praising his, “Godly wife” and I wondered if there wasn’t another version of “the cool girl:”

The “Good Christian Girl.”

Not to be confused with “the cool girl” of course, who is secular, and too worldly, and not feminine or submissive enough. While thinking about this I went back and re-read Proverbs 31, which is basically the Biblical equivalent to Amy Dunne’s monologue above:

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

What is the good Christian girl? She is beautiful, but not proud. She doesn’t “let herself go,” but maintains attractiveness for her husband, since his straying could be seen as partly her fault. At the same time she is modest, adhering to whatever standard of decency is current. She is smart, but not smarter than her husband. Above all she is submissive, feminine, and knows her place – in the home, with her children. She takes on the role of “wife” as naturally as one puts on a comfy sweater, and never, ever dares challenge her husband’s authority. (She’s also a lovely baker.)

I’ve been in Bible studies and women’s groups and retreats where groups of women pored over Proverbs 31, trying to find ways they were failing to be this type of woman. While studying scripture like this is not wrong, singling out certain verses and ignoring their context to the whole of scripture certainly is. And what is so often left out in the discussion of “the good Christian girl” is the other women in the Bible who didn’t adhere to Proverbs 31. Women like Rahab and Deborah and Lydia and Mary Magdalene.

Anyone who read or saw Gone Girl understands by now the danger in pretending to be or marry the cool girl. But not many Christians understand the damage that comes with projecting the image of the good Christian girl on every woman they meet.

Because, just like every “cool” girl doesn’t naturally love hot dogs and football and burping and rough sex, nor is every “good” Christian girl naturally suited to the roles that Christian men have determined she should fit. Not every Christian woman wants to be a wife (or at least not a wife to a man.) Not every Christian woman wants to be a mother, or, if she does, she might still struggle with the role. And certainly not every Christian woman was created to be submissive, silent, and deferential in the presence of men. Hello, my name is Emily, and I am none of these things, yet I am a Christian, and a woman.

The great thing that Amy exposed in Gone Girl was that these stereotypes are only that – they’re not real people. Sure, some women love football and chili dogs and comics and all those things listed above, but they also have other interests and characteristics that exist and might not be pleasing to their partner. Women are complex. As are men. We as people might understand that, be we sometimes take it for granted, wanting the easier stereotype idealized partner instead.

What’s great about real women, as opposed to flat stereotypes, is their complexity. A real woman can both love being a mother and having a job. A real woman can adore being a wife and cooking and keeping house – for her husband or her wife. And a real Christian woman can be cool girl and Christian girl rolled into one, with whatever else thrown in, because she doesn’t exist just to please a man. A Christian woman exists to please no man – she exists to please God, who, as we can see from a complete look at scripture, cares much more about internal character than outward beauty or subservient submission.

As someone who has never fit into the mold of good Christian woman (I even suck at baking) I know how awful it is to feel like you’re failing to be something that everyone wants you to be. Especially when you think that part of that “everyone” includes God. However, the Bible shows that God doesn’t work with molds – he works with individuals. Which means that I can be free to be whatever type of woman I want to be, while still maintaining my identity as a Christian, a wife, and a woman.

“Cool girls” and “Good Christian Girls” might not actually exist, but I’m glad that women willing to speak up against these tropes do. Just maybe they can find better ways to rebel against them than Amy Dunne did.