Why Else Would I Never Ever Hide My Heart?!
I am livid right now. Absolutely incensed. Just when I thought things in this country couldn’t get any more backwards, messed up, or off-track to where we should be – I get the news I got this morning.
MTV made a Footloose remake.
That’s like re-making the Pyramids – you just don’t do it! Sure, I had heard about this “supposed” project before, but I chose to ignore it in the hopes it would go away, much like many of MTV’s previously failed ventures (anyone remember Yo Momma? Other than me? Didn’t think so.)
How, how could MTV do this to me? After every thing I’ve done for it! I was a good child of the 80’s/90’s, and I grew up glued to it’s channel, anxiously awaiting the music videos for the songs my parents didn’t know I knew the lyrics too. Once it stopped playing music videos, I happily went along and watched every de-moralizing, brain rotting, culturally stupefying show it spewed out at me (until Jersey Shore, everyone has a breaking point.) This, this is the way it repays me for my loyalty. Plus, come on! This is the era when High School’s around the nation are having to build daycare centers for it’s students kids, is anyone really going to believe that there’s a town somewhere where dancing isn’t allowed? This isn’t the 80’s anymore! I swear to L. Ron Hubbard, if they change a single thing from the tractor chicken fight scene, I am going to punch someone in the face. Probably Carson Daly, since I’ve never really liked him, and that would kill two birds with one stone.
I don’t know if you figured it out yet, but I LOVE Footloose. Love, love, love it. There is a special place in my heart for this movie, and Kevin Bacon’s other, second best film, Tremors. Both were films that were regularly on Saturday mornings during my childhood, and since I was a fat kid, while my other friends rode bikes and swam, I’d dance around along with Kevin, pretending I was in a warehouse and had a gymnast body double just like him. Maybe I loved it so much because I could relate to the need to want to rebel against rigid religious figures (because what 8 year old doesn’t want to be able to drink and smoke freely) or maybe because I have a weird habit of crushing on not-typically considered attractive actors. Sure, some people would call Kevin Bacon sexy, but would anyone say that about Steve Buscemi? Probably not! But guess which actor from Armaggedon the 13 yr old me had posters of in her room? Not Ben Affleck! Not Owen Wilson! That’s right, good all Hound-dog himself. I worried my parents, but I think I turned out all right.
Also, as someone who is technically only one step removed from Kevin Bacon (my friend that stayed in a suite the night after Kevin Bacon did let me touch the bed) I feel personally slighted. He isn’t even dead so he can have the dignity of rolling over in his grave! This film is a classic, and to re-make it is an insult not just to Kevin and myself – but to movies entirely. What’s next? Re-making Casablanca? Gone With The Wind? Jurassic Park? When will the madness stop?!
I’m boycotting this film, and refusing to post any information on it, or links to it’s trailer. If you want to know more about Footloose, the only REAL Footloose, then watch this clip. It’ll tell you everything you need to know.